char

You again, Pitbull

Remember Men In Black? MIB? And then MIB2, the sequel? Those hilarious and heartwarming films featuring Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones, working as government agents against aliens? No, me neither.

BUT I do remember the excellent theme songs that went alongside these films. How could I forget? 

This is a GREAT song. The CGI is phenomenal, too, I think you’ll agree. And for your listening pleasure, the song for the soundtrack to the second film;

Is that Willow in the video? We’ll never know*.

Anyway, in keeping with tradition, there’s a song to go alongside MIB3 (THREE!!) that hits our screens in a matter of weeks. Not in keeping with tradition, however, the song is not sung by Will Smith. Upsettingly, it’s not even sung by Tommy Lee Jones. Can you imagine? I bet he’d do a smooth jazz version of a classic. His salty sweet gravelly man voice would float over the nation, and we’d be mesmerized into seeing the film. You missed a trick there, Barry Sonnenfield. Can I also, whilst I’m here, point out that NICOLE SCHERZINGER IS IN THE FILM, and even she didn’t do the song. 

No.

Pitbull did.

It’s called ‘back in time’ because, so I understand, the premise of the new film is that they do in fact go back in time. So on the title front it’s got a little more relevance than ‘Nod Ya Head’. 

I’m currently looking at the lyrics on a trusted lyric website, and I’m pretty sure they make no sense. At least Nod Ya Head had a clear message. 

It’s got a lovely sample of Mickey and Sylvia’s ‘Love is Strange’ running through it, but did anyone tell Pitbull that’s from the 1950s? I dont think he’d have cared anyway. I don’t know if I ‘like’ it. Mostly because Pitbull’s aggressively Miami-Latino centric tones are being layered over the top. And look! I’m not the only one;

The movie travels back to 1969, so that’s why Pitbull keeps saying ‘groovy’. But in 1969, did they break down their songs into a weird dubstep mix? I don’t think so. Yes, Sgt Pepper was very experimental what with the backwards bit at the end of a Day in the Life and the dog whistle - which a human girl at school complained she couldn’t hear - but I don’t think they had that kind of breakdown. 

I think, basically, the wildly attractive woman should have left Pitbull stuck in his vault. He looks plenty happy there. 

I’ll pick one little bit, then I’ll leave you to make up your own mind.

Ok, i’m tryin’ make a billion out of 15 cents
Understand, understood
I’m a go-getter, mover, shaker, culture, bury a boarder, record-breaker won’t cha
Give credit where credit is due don’t cha
Know that I don’t give a number two

Firstly - that’s going to take a lot of smart investing. I don’t think you have the financial know-how to do that, and fifteen cents is not going to buy you an advisor. Stick to mediocre pop.

Mover shaker blah blah, that’s all fine. BURY A BOARDER? What? I really, really don’t understand. Is he admitting to murdering hotel guests? I hope he isn’t. 

He refers to shit as a number two. Didn’t realise you were seven years old, Pit. My mistake.

Mostly I’m concerned that he seems to be a murderer and they’ve let him just slip that into the song. Does his mother own a guest house? Is he, in fact, Norman Bates in disguise? There are so many questions. 

*some simple googling would provide the answer

Turn Me On

HIYA Nicki nice to see you on my blog again. 

This time you’ve collaborated with David Guetta, that mainstream dance hit making MACHINE. I don’t think, commercially, you needed this Nicki, but you’re in a sturdy pop chart position and can make fun little hits like this without opinionated people making a blog post about it. 

BUT LOOK A LITTLE DEEPER. Is it a fun little hit? Or is it a subversive piece of performance art? I think Nicki is very probably simultaneously embodying a patient on their death bed AND a life support machine. In an attempt to pass comment on the upcoming American election. Very clever, Nicki, but not so much so that it got past sharp little me, no sir.

I think the lyrics begin with Nicki calling her ‘Docta’ back home - irresponsible as he’s probably out saving lives. Here it’s unclear if she actually lives with him, but I’m assuming she’s bagged herself a medic. A wise move, Nicki. Fame can be so fickle and having a man behind you with a steady job is always a bonus.

Docta docta, need you back home baby
Docta Docta, where you at?
Give me somethin’
I need your love
I need your love
I need your lovin’
You got that kind of medicine that keeps me comin’

I’m forced to reiterate the selfishness of Ms. Minaj here. She needs his love? I think she’s just bored. Perhaps she needs to get herself a copy of Passing Time on the Loo. Or even just a hobby. Knitting? She could knit herself a pair of neon hotpants. Only, I’m not sure there’s enough neon wool in the world to cover her derrière. But that’s another story. 

She then begs this absent Doctor to turn her on. Over and over, she says it. I think here she’s switching her role to embodying a life support machine. Desperate to be turned on, and save lives. Which actually reverses our expectations of her selfish song and increases our (or at least, my) respect for her.

It wouldn’t be a Minaj song without a little high tempo, barely understandable, rapping. And she doesn’t disappoint. 

Don’t let me die young, I just want you to fatha’ at my young
I just want you to be my docta, we can get it crackin’ chiropractor, I, I, I, I know you can save me
And make me feel alive

I don’t know if this is a typo on behalf of the lyrics website I pilfered these words from, but fatha ‘at’ your young? Your pre-existing young? You want this man to father ‘at’ them? I fail to understand. Like be a father in their vague vicinity? Like when someone talks ‘at’ you? Another website has removed the ‘at’. I suppose listening to the song would clear everything up, but I’ve already done that once. Besides, I’m at work. 

The video is a bit weird and not very summery. Which is a shame because summer is just around the corner and I like nothing more than constant reminders of that. Why haven’t you tailored your video to suit my exact viewing needs, Minaj? Seems a bit selfish, is all. But we all know that’s what you are, after finishing this song by simply demanding to be turned on. 

I think it’s been set in some sort of post modern Victorian sort of era, which as a sentence makes little to no sense. But check it out below and I think you’ll find you agree. 

Anonymous asked: hello charlotte when will we be seeing the next blog?

Hello, fan. How wonderful to hear from you. I can confirm I’m in the process of writing one, it should be up in the next couple of days. In the meantime, if you like sweets, why dont you check out Gobble Monkey for an in depth look at the snack world? 

All my love

Char x

Pitbull - DPS

Pitbull, you’ve done it again. And by ‘it’, I mean exactly the same song, all over again, repackaged and put into the mainstream for your thirsty fans to crowd round and lap up like it’s the first taste of a new and exciting drink.

Well it’s not. You’re the Sprite of the pop world. Consistent, and alright if you’re in the mood for it, but when you open a bottle up and take a huge swig your eyes start to water and you regret it immediately. That’s you. 

And then you go and team up with Chris Brown, who is the chilled oolong tea of the pop world. Disgusting. You think, ah it can’t be that bad, then you taste it and vow never to put that liquid crap in your mouth again. That’s him. On a serious note, I genuinely don’t think it’s okay that Chris Brown is allowed to work in the public eye and have people gaze at him adoringly. You cannot beat your girlfriend to a bruised and bloodied pulp, be convicted of it, then brush it off and pretend you’re a squeaky clean teen idol. You have created in Rihanna a monster, Chris Brown. Sure, we all enjoyed Loud, that’s a great album. But now she’s obsessed with songs about sex, and we’ll never get any sense out of her. 

But let’s talk about International Love.

The video looks very cheap, but then Pitbull, protagonist of ‘Calle Ocho’, one of the cheapest and worst music videos ever made (bar possibly Destination Calabria, which is really more of the same) has never really been one for high video quality. Which makes you wonder what he IS one for, because it also is not high song quality. Perhaps he likes a good Cuban cigar. He is of Cuban descent, after all. 

Anyway. 

You put it down like New York City
I never sleep!
Wild like Los Angeles
My fantasy!
Hotter than Miami
I feel the heat!
Ohh, girl, it’s International love
Ohh, it’s International love

I’m now taking the opportunity to pipe up that those are three American cities, which doesn’t constitute ‘international’ at all. ‘National’ yes, ‘International’, no. 

Then Pitbull comes in. 

I don’t play football but I’ve touched down everywhere
Everywhere? Everywhere!

Here even Pitbull recognises the ridiculous nature of this statement, and questions himself. Sadly, it seems like split personality Pitbull only uses this question to affirm that yes, in fact, he has touched down EVERYWHERE. A monumental feat, I think you’ll agree. 

I don’t play baseball but I’ve hit a home run everywhere, everywhere

I’m not even sure what this means. Seemingly, that he’s had the opportunity to hit a ball far enough away that he can run round somewhere. Everywhere. 

Then;

In Romania she pulled me to the side and told me Pit you can have me and my sister

Probably because they know that the quality of life you can offer her and her sister is much better than what she’s got. Did you ask how old her sister was? She could be a young impressionable girl, wanting to get out and have an education. You old pervert. 

And in Greece you’ve guessed it the women are sweet

I don’t remember even being given the opportunity to ‘guess’. I’d have said they’re women who are still quite second class citizens in their country, with gender inequality still very high. Ah, but wait! That doesn’t rhyme with ‘Greece’. Neither, actually, does ‘sweet’, but I suppose I see what you’re getting at. You couldn’t very well say Kodak after you buried that company, could you?

Spinned all around the world but I ain’t gon’ lie there’s nothing like Miami’s heat

Whilst I appreciate your honesty, ‘Bull, I can comfortably say there probably are things ‘like Miami’s heat’. For example, Cuba’s heat? Given their geographical proximity, surely that’s a strong possibility? Or perhaps, even, a baked potato heated to the exact temperature of Miami at any given moment? Just something to think about. 

He goes on in this vein sporadically allowing Chris Brown to sing his very US based chorus. Which is, perhaps, a reflection of the fact that he’s still on probation after he BEAT UP RIHANNA, and isn’t allowed to leave the country. In which case, Pitbull is just rubbing his nose in it. Good for you, Pitbull!

It goes without saying that Chris Brown is a DPS, but I’m lumping Pitbull in there too, for his irresponsible lyrics, rhyming, and duet choices. 

Anyway. It’s an alright clubby tune, but if they played it in a club, I’d leave the dancefloor. 

Nicki Minaj

Okay, here we go.

I like Nicki Minaj. She’s different. In a really mainstream way. She’s a bubblegum Trinidadian in the same league as Katy Perry. You know what I mean. Coloured wigs, wide eyed bizarre looks into the camera, that sort of thing. Just Wikipedia  her. (You don’t actually have to, because that’s a link to her Wikipedia page.) I’ve never SEEN so much colour! And she’s taken the Mel B hairdo from the ‘Stop’ video to another level entirely, which I can only commend her for. I think the nation collectively wondered why Mel B hadn’t pushed her hair styling further for that particular video, so it’s refreshing for someone to finally read the nations mood fourteen years ago.

Today, however, I’d like to discuss Minaj’s latest offering - ‘Starships’. There doesn’t even seem to be a video for this yet it’s already peppering the airwaves and edging its way up the chart. So let’s take a closer look at her lyrics - you may have found them hard to decipher because she alternates between a weird throaty growl, a sweet american butter-wouldn’t-melt voice and an imitation English accent.

This comes to us from Red One - the genius producer behind many of Lady Gaga’s tunes, which just goes to prove that not everyone can get it right all the time. And with such musical successes as Gaga’s songs, he had to come crashing back to earth with something substandard. And here it is. 

Let’s go to the beach, each
Let’s go get away
They say, what they gonna say?
Have a drink, clink, found the bud light
Bad bitches like me, is hard to come by
The patron on, let’s go get it on
The zone on, yes, I’m in the zone
Is it two, three? Leave a good tip
I’mma blow off my money and don’t give two shits

So here we have, quite often, the same words being used to rhyme, ‘on, on’, for example. It reminds me of the time Pitbull rhymed ‘Kodak’ with ‘Kodak’. NOT surprisingly, Kodak went into liquidation only months later. Their blood is on your hands, Pitbull. I just hope you can live with that.

Now for the weirdest bit;

Jump in my hoopty hoopty hoop
I own that
And I ain’t paying my rent this month
I owe that
But f-ck who you want, and f-ck who you like
Dance our life, there’s no end in sight
Twinkle, twinkle, little star

Your ‘hoopty hoopty hoop’? Nicki, let me share something. That doesn’t mean what you think it means. My male friends can attest to the fact that, put frankly, that makes it look like you’re offering up anal sex on a plate. Maybe that’s your bag, which is fine with me, but you have a celebrity responsibility to make it clear that this isn’t standard practice. Or maybe it should be, maybe my attitude is holding the world back. Well, whatever. I think it’s strange. Then, you go on to encourage people to piss off their landlords by not paying their rent. Then, you go back into encouraging people to offer up their sphincters on a plate. Nice work being a role model, Nicki. Jeez. For a God fearing woman (tweets such as ‘I will enter his gates w/thanksgiving in my heart. I will enter his courts w/praise. I will say this is the day that the Lord has made.) she’s really not encouraging the traditional Christian view. She neatly rounds off this verse using a childrens nursery rhyme, which is nice and pervy. 

The song is okay. Not great. Not a patch on Fly, which I’ve embedded here for the twofold reason of there not being a Starships video and it being a better song. If you wanted to, you could learn all the lyrics. I haven’t, or anything. 

Hey Strangers

Hey girls and boys. Apart from my repost supporting the reclaiming of my vagina, I’ve been pretty quiet. How’ve you been? I’ve missed you. Yes, you. 

Well, we entered a new year some time ago and with a new year comes new (/entirely the same) pop music. But we’ve also got the newest offering from the ‘Queen of Pop’ - inverted commas because we all know the queen of pop is Lady Gaga - Madonna. 

Madonna is nearly 60 now so she desperately needs to keep herself relevant. Nothing is more apparent than this fact when viewing her new video, ‘Gimme all your Lovin’. Sadly it’s not a reworking of the classic ZZTop number, which we were all hoping it would be. Such an act would have made her relevant to an entirely new audience; Radio 2. Which is FINE, Madge! Why fight it? They’re hardworking men and women starting families! They want some easy listening mixed with some classics. Why try push boundaries now? Your ‘Sex’ book is the most sought after out of print book in the world! There’s no need! Put your comfortable yoga pants on, and make a record with Keane. 

Instead of heeding this retrospective advice, Madonna has ensured Radio 1 airplay by enlisting Nicki Minaj, that pint sized speed talkin’ rapper we have come to know and love, and M.I.A, which I’m sure has nothing to do with her husband (soon to be ex, if we believe everything we hear on the street) being a sodding millionaire who owns Smirnoff, who have lots of bottles in the video. M.I.A looks completely pissed off that she’s in the video (especially when put next to so-sugary-sweet-my-teeth-hurt Minaj), as though she was coerced into it to raise interest in her new song, Bad Girls. (Which is, in its own right, EXCELLENT). I like to think of her as a stroppy teenager, with Nicki Minaj as her younger, more girly sister, refusing to put on the outfit Minaj has on. Well, all credit to you, M.I.A. Your stage name might be ridiculously hard to type when writing a rambling, unconsidered blog post, but at least you aren’t pretending this is your scene. 

The song itself is an alright pop song. It’s not great, it’s not bad. It offends me and my love of the English language that they persist in spelling ‘Love’ ‘Luv’ AND chanting it at you as though we’re in a Gwen Stefani song. That’s not how you spell it. You manage to spell ‘you’ right. What’s the problem. YOU’RE FIFTY THREE MADONNA. DON’T YOU KNOW BETTER? And the weird little cartoon brick wall at the beginning with, frankly, an embarrassing little statement peeling on and off makes me feel sick. You’re not a player, Madge. You’re a strong willed woman who can’t manage to juggle busy life and husbands. There, I said it. You were all thinking it. There’s no shame! 

At least her hair looks absolutely killer. Well done, huge team of stylists.

Dangerous Pop Stars pt.4

In my mind, until recently, Britney Spears was out of bounds in terms of labelling her a DPS. She’s a pop princess who brought us the likes of …Baby One More Time, Toxic and The Mental Years*. She’s given us the iconic head shave and though I now attempt to avoid tabloids I’m not ashamed to say (well, I’m a little ashamed) that the regular smattering of pap photographs of Ms. Spears whilst she was quite clerly in the midst of a mental breakdown provided a backdrop for my teenage years. (Okay, I’m quite ashamed.)

My choice to add her to the alarmingly fast growing list of Dangerous Pop Stars comes as a result of a combination of things. 

1. She has released a number of songs lately that suggest to me she’s setting a poor example for her dwindling devotees, and
2. I went to see her in concert (the ‘Femme Fatale’ tour) at the Newcastle Arena a couple of weeks ago.

Unconventionally, I will deal with point number two first. I don’t wish to put a dampener on those who spent good money (my ticket was free) attending and enjoying the same tour, but it was dreadful. I understand the need to keep songs fresh and relevant when they’re upwards of ten years old and you’re performing them every night for months on this tour alone - if not for the audiences sake then for the sanity (ahem) of the performer, but the butchering of something as timeless as Toxic was almost unforgiveable. In response I am unleashing my powerful wrath upon Britney and labelling her a DPS.

WHY?

Here I shall address point number one in much more detail.

Til The World Ends

Here I am forced to assume Ms. Spears has some sort of belief in the preposterous 2012 apocalypse theory (and - actually - I have just embedded the youtube video below for your viewing pleasure and you’ll notice that the beginning sets the video in December 2012, so I was correct) and only expects people to be dancing for, at most, a year. I’m not sure if she’s including tea breaks in this demand (I’m guessing not), but surely the human body in its healthiest and physically fittest state can’t stand continuous dancing for more than a few days, by the end of which they will have slowed to a sluggish semi-bop, sweating and pale, dehydrated and gasping for water. Nice image, Brit. Their blistered feet will stop, and they will die. A more appropriate and responsible lyric might have been ‘keep on dancing til it’s bedtime’, or EVEN, ‘keep on dancing til this song ends’, thus ensuring a full dancefloor for the duration of this song, which is surely the aim. (It’s certainly J.Lo’s aim. Stay away from that dancefloor, people.)

Criminal

Perhaps Britney met the subject of this song at Jennifer Lopez’ dangerous nightclub, fell in love with him and decided to write a song about him. Or perhaps, you know, Britney was given a song to sing and sang it. Either way, it’s been released into the public sphere and as such I am literally** being forced to address it. So, I’m going to address the video and the song as one single entity. We’re met, at the beginning of the video, by Britney and her ‘boyfriend’, a man with what seems to be a terribly unnatural caricature of a cockney accent, who we’re almost glad is quickly beaten up by the ‘criminal’ - Britney’s real life boyfriend. But are those real life tattoos? One would hope not. They’re disgusting. Another strike against your good name, Spears. Showing people it’s alright to run off with rugged strangers with shit tattoos that look like they’ve been crayola-d onto his back. Anyway. Spears quickly falls for this motorbike riding lothario, which obviously means she herself has to descend into a life of crime, holding up a convenience store whilst normally dressed and perfectly made up. Another terrible example. If you’re going to rob somewhere, wear a MASK, Britney. You’ve got one of the most recognisable faces on the planet. It’s just basic. Her weird hand movements are really annoying towards the end too, but that’s just an aside. 

Also, the British Police (to the best of my knowledge) don’t make it their protocol to surround a building and fire relentlessly from all around and above, just because someone held up a convenience store once. Ridiculous.

*Not a song.

**Not at all literal